Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Blow job season was short but glorious.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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