Where is the hickey?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
