Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
