haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
