you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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