I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
