I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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