I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
