How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
