I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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