Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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