so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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