Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
