If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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