you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
