Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
