I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
