I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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