When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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