apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
