i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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