I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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