K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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