Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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