It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
