shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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