everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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