There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
