Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
this must be what syphilis tastes like
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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