I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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