I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
