i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
