I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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