I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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