i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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