I never want to see another naked old woman again.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize