Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
