you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
