Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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