i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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