he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
