So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize