im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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