I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
