That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
