the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
