Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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