During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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