he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
