I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
