I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize