we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
