I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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