so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
