Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
